Hello again.
It's me the terrible, no good, can't commit blogger. (I seriously just let out a huge sigh).
I've been thinking a lot this week about why I continue to pay for this space, why it is one of my homepages and why I continue to make lists about the things I want to write about, yet never actually sit and write. It's an elephant in the room.
This summer has been a remarkably good one for me. I've felt closer than ever to my true self, the person, the adult I am. I've struck out on my own on adventures and developed habits independent of everyone around me. Part of this stems from finally buckling under to the pressure of owning a car. I managed to last for almost four entire years without one reader, but I caved. I was so tired of the waiting for a ride, or worse finding carpools with strangers where my contribution was simply money. It was no fun occasionally catching the bus from downtown on cold February mornings or hustling to work thru two feet of snow with no snow boots. However I did it, I saved a lot of money, lost some weight and in the end I think I value car ownership ten times more than I did before. There is this weight lifted off me that I didn't know was even there. What started as an experiment and then turned into a financial choice was really killing my independent get out there and explore spirit. I've grown wings in the form of a Honda CRV.
Then there is the pool, a lovely kidney shaped oasis not thirty feet from my back door, 48,000 gallons of cool clear water waiting for me to dive into it everyday. The pool is where I guess I meditate because once in I think of nothing but the moment, the stroke I am practicing, the breathes I am taking the kicks I am kicking. There is just me and the water and often times the dark, because night swimming truly is the best swimming. Peeling off the days clothing, is like shedding a skin and then you are cutting thru the cool black deep to surface with a burst of air and splash. It's cathartic, I sometimes come home angry, jump in and then can't really recall what upset me. When I was a child I lived for swimming, I would swim in ice cold water to the point of shivering and blue lips. I know now that part of that is the wonderful weightlessness of water, how clumsy is often transformed into graceful in the water.
Along with the swimming there has been the reading. It seems so natural that after the pool I dry off by sitting in the sunshine reading a book. I had almost completely stopped reading for pleasure, it was film, the internet and television all the time and while I had cut back a lot on TV viewing I still indulged in hours with netflix or the internet. So the pool took me outside again and of course I needed to entertain myself so out came the books. I've delved into mysteries, classics, biographies and even trashy lit (Oh Sookie why you got to be so goooooooood to read!??). It's like I reclaimed a bit of myself, or gave up a terrible, unhealthy habit.
I started eating vegan again too, with only tiny little slips and that is a major burden off my shoulders. I don't know why I kept letting myself slide on the cheese or the milk. I think though that this hiccup (if you can call six+ months a hiccup) has made me realize something to myself that I guess I denied before. I'm an ethical vegan. There I said it out loud. I don't want to consume animal products because it is WRONG. At the beginning of this dietary journey, I said it was health and well being that started me on the path, but as I look more within myself and as more time passes and my knowledge becomes greater I know with a strength in my heart that this is not about weight loss any longer. I don't want to live with the burden of cruelty tied to my food. Recognizing this is huge in my world, because at times I've said to people "Oh this might not be a life long choice" or "Maybe it will be different when I get married" almost being afraid to say the truth. I am not anymore.
I just feel like I turned a corner this week/month/season, like things just sort of became how they should be. Nothing major happened, I still work at my little job, I stilll start back to school on Sept 1st and I stilll lie in the little turquoise room at the top of the stairs, but my outlook feels different, I'm on top of the swell. I'm going to try and stay up here, cruising along like a surfer.
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